My Atonement
by angelstryst
Summary: After a ten year separation they are reunited and she has some secrets from her past that he wants to know about. Can she atone for her sins of the past. All chapters have been edited!
1. Chapter 1

_Hi, I've done a ton of other stories for different fandoms and I really had this idea attack me and decided to run with it. I hope that you guys like it. I have put up pictures and play list stuff on my page. Check them out if you want._

_This is your only warning so heed it: There is adult subject matter in this story. If your not old enough stop right here! There is sex, drugs and other stuff that kiddies don't need to be reading._

_I'd love to thank Stephanie Myer for her beautiful contributions to the literary world and hope that she gets around to finishing Midnight Sun one of these days! I don't own anything but the ideas in my head. Literally._

**_Updated AN:_**

**_I've added a play list you can access the pop-out player on my homepage if you would like._**

_**Playlist:**_

_**Nickelback **- Someday_

_**Tonic **- If you could see_

_**Fuel **- Shimmer_

* * *

_Chapter 1_

_

* * *

  
_

The stars were shining brightly as I looked up towards the night sky from the vantage of my neighbor's roof. Tar, still warm from the heat of the day, was sticking to my back and shoulders causing a slightly sticky and scratchy sensation but I ignored it in favor of the company I was keeping. I couldn't help but feel enamored by the sights of the heavens above us as the meteor shower rained from the heavens. It was such a rare sight in the constant dreary weather of the Olympic Peninsula that I appreciated it even more.

A soft sigh from the boy next to me made my lips twitch as I glanced to my right side. His bronze unruly hair flopped in his face and his black-rimmed spectacles perched on his nose completing the picture of the-boy-next-door look. His eyes focused on the stars above us and he raised his hand above our heads to point to a particular constellation of stars while murmuring about its history. I could only nod and pretend to pay attention as he tried to teach me things that I would never be able to grasp because my IQ was only half of his.

Edward and I had been neighbors for as long as we could remember, and friends for most of my eighteen years. We had grown up together and even bathed together when we were kids. He was that incredibly smart friend that I always rather envied because he made academia look like child's play. He was only seventeen but he'd jumped a grade and was now in the senior class with me.

Even though we ran in different circles in high school, we still managed to hang out on occasion. His friends were a tight-knit bunch that only tolerated me because I was his friend. They also didn't like me because of the company I kept.

I was nothing more then a whore, but without the cheap motel room and the payments for services. Well my payments came in the form of booze, smokes and the occasional line of coke. I don't know why I let it continue, I knew that Edward would spend all of his free time making sure I could get into a good college if I let him. The truth is that I think I was past the point of redemption. I was just being selfish keeping my friendship with the beautiful boy sitting next to me.

"Bella, are you even paying attention?" He huffed out in an exasperated tone.

The giggle passed my lips before I could stifle it. He looked torn for a moment. "Sorry," I apologized but without any real sincerity.

He pushed up on his elbow, looked down at my supine form, and let a smirk cross his face as he saw me trying to stifle my fit of giggles. "I don't know why you wanted to watch the stars with me if you weren't going to look at them."

"Oh come on Edward!" I pushed myself up, causing him to almost fall backward to avoid the clashing of our heads together. I reached out to help stop his downward momentum but forgot that I was also in motion. I wound up tumbling forward onto Edward's chest.

I couldn't stifle the laughter anymore and looked up to see his face beet-red as he tried to straighten out the tangled mess of limbs we had become. Pretty soon in his haste to keep a respectable distance from us, his hand slipped on a loose piece of tar paper causing his body to crash into me and his hand to land just to the side of my left breast. I could only watch as it happened and felt my back connect with the roof of his parent's house. I hope that they won't be too upset if there was any damage.

It wasn't a secret that we were up here hell, Esme even packed us some food to eat. It had been their idea to sit on the roof to see the falling stars in the first place. I still didn't understand why they allowed Edward to hang out with me. I was grateful though.

A tingle shot up my skin as his hand slid behind me and caught on my tank top, pulling the fabric up. He had landed with his chest against mine with his head on my shoulder. The ache in my chest and back was fleeting as he turned his head to look into my eyes. The wide green eyes that I'd know anywhere stared nervously at me as if afraid that he had made a wrong move or maybe offended me somehow. The thought alone was laughable. How does one offend a whore who has nothing left of her soul to give?

Yet as he stared at me in that moment, his look shifted from nervousness to something different. He looked at me as if I was something precious and important. In that moment I didn't feel like the town tramp or the daughter of a mother who was hell-bent on finding a new man all the time and never home to realize that her daughter was suffering. In that moment, I felt like I was beautiful.

Without thinking about it, I leaned forward and pressed my lips softly to his. I expected his hesitation, so I softly kissed his bottom lip then molded my lips to his top one. He exhaled a shaky breath through his nose and his wide eyes drifted closed as he pressed into my mouth. It was hesitant and innocent and just everything Edward. His smell of paper and some sort of aftershave filled my senses.

I let the kiss continue chastely for a moment before parting my lips and cautiously licking his. His lips parted with a sucked in breath. My tongue entered to touch his. I had little to give but I could pour all of my experience into kissing him. I had to wonder if he'd ever kissed anyone else. The thought fled my brain when his tentative tongue came towards mine and rubbed it slightly.

His chest was still against mine and his hand was still bracing his weight under my arm. I felt his other arm move up and push some of the hair away from my face as he cupped my jaw. I felt my eyes fill with tears at his tender ministrations. My hands came up to his jaw and I ran my hand across the stubble that was accumulating there. My fingers followed the line back to his ear where I traced the ridges of cartilage before moving into his hair and stroking his scalp. His hair was just as soft as I remembered it.

"Bella," he whispered into my mouth before pressing his lips harder into mine. He said my name like it was a prayer.

I moved my mouth from his and took sensual nips and licks of his jaw and neck as I moved my hands down and under his shirt. I knew he still worked out a little, but was surprised to find the tone, lean muscle that covered his torso. I felt his muscles tense as he sucked in another breath and his arms shook slightly while he tried to hold his weight above me.

With a gentle tug, I rolled him onto his back and straddled his thighs. He looked up at me with wide-eyed wonder as I pulled my tank top from my body leaving me in only my midnight blue satin bra. I pulled his arms until he was in a sitting position and kissed him again. The gentle innocence of his kisses intoxicated me and I felt more turned on then I had ever been.

His hands sat on my waist almost as if he was afraid to touch me, but his thumbs making small circles at the skin above my shorts. My mind screamed at me that he might not want this and I had to listen if for only a moment. He was my one true friend and as soulless as I am and could be, I would never do anything to cause this young, impressionable man pain if I could stop it.

"Edward," I whispered against his neck while placing hot open-mouthed kisses along his collarbone. I told myself I would give him the option, but not that I would fight fair.

He let out a low groan and I felt his hips shift toward me, his length evident in its straining. My hips rocked instinctively forward searching out the friction. It caused him to gasp into my ear. I called his name once again as I reached his ear and moved my hands to cup his jaw and bring his face to mine.

When he opened his eyes, I could see them looking almost hazy, clouded and darkened with lust and another emotion that I couldn't place. I didn't focus on it any longer though. I needed to find out what he wanted or if I had just disgusted him. I would totally understand the disgust, but it would be painful to bear coming from him. It was nothing less then I deserved though.

"Do you want me to stop?" My voice was husky and lust ridden.

He looked at me for a moment, as if he was trying to put his thoughts in order before he spoke. It wasn't odd for him to do that, but the abnormally long pause concerned me and I was ready to get dressed and leave when he finally spoke.

A husky timber of his usually smooth voice made me want to melt into him even more. "No, but I don't want to hurt you, Bella. I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to."

I blinked back the tears at the thought that he was yet again being so good to me. It was like the times in grade school when Renee would forget to pack me lunch and he shared his meals with me. There was also that time when I was fourteen, fell down the stairs to the school, and broke my wrist. He simply carried me to the nurse's office and stayed with me until Esme came and took us both to the hospital where his father took care of me. He never left my side.

I had nothing to offer him back but myself. I wasn't good enough for him, but maybe I could be something enjoyable for him. The million times that he had been there for me, this little bit I could give him in return.

"I don't want to pressure you, but I do want this." I whispered and pressed my lips back to his.

His breath was in ragged gasps when I finally pulled away. "God, you feel so good Bella!"

It didn't escape my notice that he had been calling me Bella. He had said it was Italian for beautiful a while ago, but loved calling me by my full name consistently for some unknown reason.

I yanked his shirt above his head and it joined mine somewhere behind us. I kissed his chest and savored every groan and moan that he made. I never felt this happy while doing this to guys before. It had always been a means to an end, but with Edward, it was an all-encompassing feeling that made me look for how to make his next noise come out. Every gasp, moan, and hiss he made only made me want him more.

When I finally worked my way down to his pants and flicked open his button I could feel how damp my shorts were. I didn't bother with underwear tonight because all of them had been in the wash. Now I was happy about that fact. I stood from his lap and empathized with the forlorn look that crossed his face at the lack of contact between our bodies.

The expression shifted into something of desire as I moved to unbutton and zipper my jean shorts. Once I finished unzipping them, I left them on to reach behind me and remove my bra. I've done this a hundred times at least, but no one had ever watched me with the look of awe and reverence his face held as I stripped out of my clothes.

I kneeled next to him and finished unfastening his jeans before placing open mouth kisses down his stomach to his hipbones then following the dark trail of hair down to his boxers where his length was straining behind them. I pulled them both off as he lifted his hips to help me. When I turned back around from depositing them behind me, I found him looking very shy and self-conscious, awkwardly trying to cover himself by pulling up his knees.

I licked my lips and crawled toward him. His eyes fixed on the gentle sway of my breasts. I grabbed his hands and brought them to me. His palms cupped my mounds and he looked to me in askance.

"Just touch me." I said looking at him as I sat next to him and guided his hands over my body.

My eyes didn't stray from his face as he watched in fascination as my nipples became harder under his touch and when he softly pinched them, I sucked in a sharp breath. He started to move his hand away, but I grabbed it before he could get too far.

"That was just fine. Trust me I'll let you know if you hurt me." I lied.

I had been hurt by so many people that I didn't even like. Edward could light fire to me if that would make him happy and I would let him.

As he touched me, a different fire ignited inside me and I felt an ache and desire to be closer to him. It was consuming me. I wanted him. I never felt for anyone before what I felt for him.

His explorations began to include his lips and tongue across my chest. I felt every lick and suck as it flared up inside me and shot straight to my center. I wanted to jump out of my skin as I felt him press his length against my leg. I felt him twitch against me and he suddenly looked up to my face, embarrassed. The blush spreading over his cheeks was endearing and I couldn't stop from pulling him on top of me and kissing him again.

My legs spread to grant him access. I knew I was clean, I had just been to the clinic a few weeks back, but I wondered if he wanted to wear protection. I hadn't even thought about that. I had been on the pill for ages so I didn't worry about anything else.

His eyes bore into mine. "Are you sure, Bella?"

"More then anything," Was all I could whisper as he looked down at me with that odd look again.

He seemed slightly unsure as he tried to access me and I reached a hand between us to guide him in. He hissed and his jaw clenched. I think that he had uttered a few curses but that fled my mind as he was lined up and pushed into me.

It was slow and unsure; his body had broken out in a sweat at some point because his hair was now damp and sticking to his face. Once he was all the way in, he stopped and mashed his lips to me in a bruising kiss. He chanted my name and other words against my lips in his musical voice.

My mind was too full of him and I pressed my hips against him, grinding against him as my body demanded more friction. He whimpered and began to move against me slowly. His lips peppering my face as my hands fisted his hair and clawed at his shoulders.

His arms were shaking with strain and I could feel his abdomen tightening. "Let go, Edward."

As if something in him snapped, he dropped his face to my neck and drove into me as he nipped and bit along my neck and shoulder. It didn't last much longer and I felt him tense against me as his body convulsed against mine.

Our harsh breaths filled the silence as he struggled to hold himself up. I traced the muscles in his arm before knocking his elbow and causing him to fall against me. I delighted in his weight against me as our breaths evened out. I realized that even though I hadn't come, it was one of the most intimate experiences of my life.

"I love you, Isabella." He whispered against my skin as he kissed and licked every available surface of me he could get his mouth on. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and held me tight to him.

I froze in fear. I don't think I was supposed to hear what he said, but it didn't change that I did. He wasn't supposed to love me. I was just supposed to be the girl who had sex with him. Something he could brag about to the guys. I was not worth loving or caring.

When he brought his lips to mine, again I lost my concentration on what I was thinking and savored the feeling of him against me. I smiled against his lips at the whimper that escaped him when he slipped from me. I totally understood missing the connection. His kisses continued in a soft fashion, chaste and closed mouth kisses, but still filled with emotion.

I wanted to push him away. I was no good for him. He was brilliant and wonderful and needed to find someone who could compliment that. That was not me.

"Bella," he called breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Hmmm?" Yes I'm very eloquent, just the girl he needs for sure.

"I asked if you are ok."

"I'm fine, are you ok?" I couldn't help but try to distract him. My fingers ran down his sides to that ticklish spot just above his hipbones.

His forehead met mine as he gazed into my eyes. I wondered when he took off his glasses.

"Better then I'd ever imagined." He whispered against my lips before kissing me again, and because I'm selfish and a coward I basked in the feeling of him for a while longer.

I never knew what it felt like to feel loved but if this was it then I understand why people would crave this emotion. I helped him dress and slowly put my own clothes back on before he helped me into the window of his bedroom. Wrapping me in his arms, he held me tightly against him. I wanted this feeling to last, but I knew the second that I walked away the real world would fall down around me and I would be nothing more then a loser.

He walked me to the door of his house where I told him that I was perfectly capable of walking to my own house, which was less then fifty-yards away. He grinned and pushed me out the door following me into the night. He always walked me home. I stopped trying to argue with him about it years ago. He held my hand and when we got to my porch, he ran his hand along my jaw and kissed me once more.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He said before turning and walking away.

I watched him leave until I couldn't see him in the dark any longer. My fingers trailed over my lips in a reminder of what being cherished feels like. I stupidly contemplated a life where I was loved and accepted. The feeling of warmth and love that Edward exuded for me was creating delusions, and I snorted at the thought of me being lovable.

I turned and walked into my house where I found my mother sitting at the kitchen table with a letter and an unreadable expression on her face.

* * *

_**Thanks to all who read and those who take the time to review. I hope you enjoy the story.**_

.


	2. Chapter 2

_I just wanted to take a minute to review Bella's character. She has never really felt loved by anyone. Renee is not a bad person in this fic but she is just a flighty free spirit that has gotten a little too involved with a search for a perfect man. _

_Yes I did make Bella a bit of a whore, but it is more for the need to emphasize that she was searching for affection. The truth is that sometimes the thing we are searching the hardest for, we never see._

_I hope you like the chapter. I'll be working on the next one as soon as I get a free minute._

_Also, links are on my profile for the dresses, music and such._

_I've added the pop-out playlist to my profile as well if you would like to use that._

_**Playlist**_

_**Paramore **- Miracle_

_**Robert Pattinson** - Broken_

* * *

_**Chapter 2**_

* * *

_**Restitution**_

**res·ti·tu·tion **[rèsti tsh'n]

1. **Giving back: **the return of something to its rightful owner

2. **Paying back: **compensation for a loss, damage, or injury

_3. __**Restoration: **__the return of something to the condition it was in before it was changed _

_

* * *

  
_

**_10 years later_**

"Bella, what the hell are you doing!"

"Alice! Language," I yelled back at her from my bedroom.

An eruption of laughter made me shake my head as I heard Nessie demanding money from her Aunt Alice for using curse words in front of her. That little girl was very stubborn. I wondered where she got it from, and then sighed. She was too much like me to deny.

"Mom, Aunt Alice says that she's not going to pay me because she doesn't have any cash on her!" Nessie said stomping into my bedroom as I tried to zip up my dress.

I felt like the designer must have been a sadist who loved to watch people suffer. There was no way to bend myself in that direction to get that angular zipper up right.

"Ness, can you help mommy zip up and then I'll go tackle Aunt Alice for you?" I pleaded.

My nine-year-old daughter walked over to me and huffed. "Mom you have it all tangled in the fabric. No wonder you couldn't get the darn thing up!"

I groaned and at this point Alice felt the need to walk in and appraise the dress that she had forced upon me. I heard her muttering under her breath. I knew that I was a walking fashion faux pas but I was already nervous enough about my looks without her belittling my inability to dress myself.

"Alice why are you telling my daughter that you don't have any money to give her? You are always carrying a few dollars on you."

"Don't change the subject Bella; look at what you did to this zipper. What did fashion ever do to you?" Alice chided as she finally pulled the zipper up.

I spun to shoot her a stare only to see here holding up a pair of death traps and a grin.

"Uh-uh, no way, no how am I going to put those things on my feet. I'll die before I even get a chance to walk out of the apartment." I said pacing to my closet to look for my trusty flats.

"No way Bella, you are not getting out of this! You wanted me to go with you and this was my stipulation!" Alice had her _game face _on now, and I am so screwed. With any luck, I would only break an ankle and not the whole leg like the last time.

"Nazi pixie," I grumbled as I sat on the bed next to Nessie who had been watching the whole exchange like a tennis match and had a huge grin on her face.

"I think you look nice mommy!" She piped up and hugged my arm.

How do you argue with that?

"Yeah mom, you look great!" Alice chimed in sitting next to me. "Oh what did you put on under there? Please don't tell me you went with the plain under-crap that I know you have!"

I felt my face heat up. I'm wearing stockings for crying out loud! She acts as if I'm going out to pick up and sleep with any random guy at the bar. I refused to go down that road again. I had too much responsibility to act like that again.

"You are wearing granny panties and that old strapless bra aren't you?" Alice began to move the dress folds to inspect my undergarments.

I bolted off the bed and almost fell into the door courtesy of those high heels that she had forced me into wearing. I knew it was a ploy of some kind, but it's not as if she would get anything out of killing me off. Well she was Nessie's Godmother but it's not as if she didn't get to see her all the time now.

"Isabella Marie," Alice scolded. "You will not be dressing as a frumpy housewife. I refuse to have you wear anything that unappealing."

I looked down at my feet. To be honest I didn't really think about what was going on under the dress. It's not as if anyone could see them, and it wasn't that bad. The black satin and lace boy shorts were comfy and somewhat cute while I didn't really have a choice with the bras. I only owned two strapless and the other was more like a corset. I was uncomfortable enough, thank you very much.

Alice was convinced that you had to feel sexy underneath to help radiate the feeling. Maybe that was my problem. It had been a little while since I felt sexy. I bit back the groan of how badly I really needed to get laid. Nessie was right here and I was not having this conversation in front of her, much to her disappointment.

I shot a look from Alice to Nessie and suddenly my best friend clammed up. Thankfully, she realized where this conversation was heading. I know it was a mean ploy to use my daughter as a shield, but after being tortured into wearing these heels I felt slightly vindicated in my choice of arsenal.

"When will you be home mom?" Nessie asked as she walked around me and pulled my hands so that I was sitting at the vanity.

"I'm not sure honey. I shouldn't be too late, but don't wait up anyway. I'm just going to see the live bands and take some notes on these new musicians so I can get the article written."

"And," Alice added. "We're going to have some fun." She winked at Nessie. "You're mom's the only one I know that doesn't work at a bar but does all her work there. I mean really, Bella, you need to cut loose and have some fun!"

"I know," I sighed. "So maybe a little late," I conceded. I turned to face Nessie. "That means you will be in bed by the time I get home!"

"Oh alright," the bronze locks hid her eyes as she pouted.

My job was a talent scout of sorts for the local music magazine. I went and checked out bands that they want articles on and then I write reviews of the music. It's my dream job that I landed by complete accident.

I was working as a temp-receptionist for the magazine and read one of the articles written by my predecessor in the break room when I realized that she had no clue what she was talking about. I voiced my opinion to the guy sitting next to me and said I could do a better job in my sleep. Later that afternoon he handed me an address of a bar and told me to put my money where my mouth was. Needless to say, I had impressed the hell out of them and took over Victoria's spot the next week.

Nessie's voice pulled me out of my daze.

"Oh, well can I have ice cream for dinner?" She pleaded up through brown eyes that matched my own.

"No but you can have some for dessert if you eat all of your dinner." I compromised.

While I was talking to Nessie, Alice began applying some make up to my skin. A soft smoky look to my eyes and a paler color to the lids made my eyes look sexy and mysterious all at once. It looked good, just like every time Alice did my make up. I sometimes feel like such a failure as a woman. I can't even get mascara to look okay and she made me look ready for the runway in less than ten minutes.

A knocking at the door disrupted any further thoughts of self-depreciation.

"Nessie! Don't you dare answer that without seeing who it is first!" I yelled as I stumbled on my heels with Alice giggling behind me.

"Mom, it's only Emmett!" Nessie yelled back at me as I made my way to the door and saw her opening it to my formidable neighbor.

"Pipsqueak!" He yelled as he threw Nessie over his shoulder and took off running her into the living room.

"STTTTOOOOPPPP, EMMMMMEEEETTTTT! I'm go-n-na puke!" My daughter yelled as he just laughed.

"Emmett, she pukes you're cleaning it up!" I said as I watched him playing airplane with Nessie.

He stopped and looked at me before plopping Nessie down on the couch. A low whistle sounded out of his lips as he did a twirling motion with his hand and I spun to show him the dress.

"Damn Bells! I knew you were pretty but that's mighty hot!" Emmett said with a Cheshire grin.

I walked over and gave him a hug; he reciprocated with a tight squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. It was nice to have him around. He had moved to Seattle shortly after I did and we had both bonded over the crappy weather and our over the top rent. For the past four years, he's been one of my closest friends. It was too bad there was no real chemistry between us. He loved Nessie and was a great guy, but when we had hooked up it had been too uncomfortable for both of us. He said he didn't have a sister but that was the only thing he could compare the feeling too. I had to agree.

"Alice, looking lovely as always," He walked over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She responded with an enthusiastic hug.

"See what I did to Bella!" Alice asked excitedly.

"Really Alice, you're starting to give me a complex." I moaned.

She turned to Emmett. "She wanted me to go with her tonight because she's tired of getting hit on all night when she sits alone. I told her she had to dress nice for me to go with her." Alice held her hands up like Vanna-freaking-White at me. "And _voila _here we have a club presentable Bella!"

I just groaned again and grabbed my purse and phone. I gave Emmett and Nessie one last hug. "Emmett no ice cream for Nessie unless she finishes her dinner. It should be ready in about ten minutes. Just listen for the timer."

"Aye aye captain!" Emmett said saluting with Nessie copying his move as I closed the door. The chorus of laughter that ensued from the other side of the shut door was enough to make me feel better that Nessie was in safe hands.

Emmett had watched Nessie on several occasions but I hated to stick him with babysitting. He was a young single man. There were limits to what he would be willing to do with a nine-year-old girl. Of course, that was until Nessie kicked his ass in Rock Band. Apparently that was all the bonding they needed.

Now it wasn't unusual for him to stop by, have dinner with us, and stay up late to play games or watch movies.

I know I should have curtailed Nessie's nighttime activities more, but she was too much like me in that respect. She was a night owl and during the summer, I found no reason to punish her with an absurdly early bedtime if we didn't have anywhere to go in the morning.

"So are you ready to have fun tonight?" Alice asked as I held onto the railing of the front steps to avoid face planting and starting our evening at the emergency room.

Surprisingly I felt a smile come to my lips. "Yeah, I am ready to have a good time tonight!"

The trip to the club took almost a half-hour due to some road construction and it was on the other side of town. It didn't matter; Alice was great at talking and could keep me entertained even if some of her stories were shopping related. It felt like a good night to be out and have some fun while doing some work.

The bouncer led us into the club when I showed my credentials. One of the benefits of being with the music industry, they pull the strings so they can get you into shows without too much hassle. I might not get front and center seats all of the time but I usually was able to hear the music well enough.

Alice led the way to the bar and I followed, infected by her good mood. It was nice to have someone to hang with while I worked. We ordered gin and tonic's and found a table in the center of the room. The staff was setting up a piano, drums and a guitar. There was also an acoustic guitar in a stand by the piano. My curiosity peaked at the assortment of instruments. Generally, people used keyboards these days and it was rare to find a piano outside of the jazz and blues bars.

"So who is playing tonight?" Alice asked as she zipped her eyes back and forth across the establishment. "Please tell me they have the potential to be good."

"There are two performances I'm checking on." I said as I pulled out my notepad to check the names. "The first one is Breaking Dawn, the second is somebody called Wallball."

"Oh I like the name of the first one. It's original without sounding tired." Alice said as she sipped back more of her drink. "We really need to find you a man Bella. I think you should call that guy that you used to be friends with in your hometown, Knives was it? I remember his name was Ed…" She trailed off as I shot her a look that clearly said that was not up for discussion now.

I didn't need her to bring this subject up again. I had been drunk and told her all about the one who could have been more but got away. Why did God feel the reason to smite me when things were going well? I hadn't had a thought about Edward in almost two weeks; which was probably close to a record for me.

When I moved away from Forks, Washington, the day after we… made love? I was in pieces. The move was sudden. My grandmother had passed away and Renee wanted to be there for her father in Phoenix. I wanted to let Edward know I was leaving but Renee had us mostly packed by the time I came home that night. An hour later, we were on the road to Phoenix. She didn't want to hear anything about my saying goodbye to anyone, even Edward.

I knew that I was legally able to live on my own at that point, but I was also scared of the idea. Even though my mom and I butted heads about a lot of stuff, I still loved her. She was the only family I had and somewhere deep inside I felt that if I had left her or stayed behind, I would have lost any hopes I had of a happy mother daughter relationship.

The word of my promiscuous activities reaching her didn't help matters in the least, and she didn't want any of my boyfriends trying to call. Therefore, I had no phone privileges for the first several months.

I guess I couldn't blame her when a month after the move I was experiencing morning sickness and hadn't gotten my period. I was pregnant and she held it over my head like a sin, especially when I couldn't be sure who the father of my baby to be was. After a few months, she had calmed and been supportive. It was the best bonding experience we had ever had. In some ways, Nessie was the best thing to happen to me. I had to learn how to take care of myself better. It was trying and sometimes horrible, but in the end, I think it was worth it.

My grandfather was initially caught off guard but became a bigger support system then even my mother was. He wasn't able to do a lot for himself but he was good at making me feel better about myself. He was my first real father figure, and I respected him more then he ever knew. Many nights he and I would sit awake and talk about random things. He was one of the only people besides Edward who had ever listened to me.

When I was finally able to make calls and try to contact people I had decided against contacting Edward or anyone else really. I didn't want to tell him I was pregnant because I was a slut. I'm sure he would have still spoken to me even if it had been a few months, but in the end, I remembered my resolve that he had needed so much better then I could give him. With that resolve, I tried to lock up all thoughts of Edward Cullen.

Months past and it didn't seem to matter that my brain didn't want reminders about Edward. I would see something funny or hear a smart person and he was the first name my mind came to. I missed him horribly. It didn't help when Renesemee was born either. I named her after the mother figures in my life. Renee was sour that Esme had been included, but I didn't care, Esme had been around for me a lot when I was growing up and deserved the namesake. Nessie was my daughter and I wasn't budging on the name. Nessie had similar hair to Edward's and I could only wonder if he would be the father, but brushed it off because we had only been together that once.

I did finish high school and got into college at Arizona State. It was great and I met many new people and began to experience things that I never knew life had to offer. I had direction and purpose. I studied writing and literature and was able to excel at both. I also met Alice, my best friend and lifesaver.

Five years ago, my grandfather passed away. I was distraught, but happy that I spent the time I did with him. He helped shape me into a better person.

Renee had been dating a guy named Phil and they were getting along well. It was about that time a baseball team in Florida offered Phil a spot if he was successful in try-outs. Everyone wanted to move on with their lives. Phil asked Renee if she would go with him, and she was ecstatic about the idea. I decided I wanted to go somewhere else too. Alice had received a job offer in Seattle and asked if I would like to go with her. She didn't know anyone there and I had told her a lot about the area from when I grew up.

Two weeks later, we were on a 1500-mile road trip with my five-year-old daughter. I looked forward to being closer to my old home, but never went back. Alice had tried on numerous occasions to get me to go visit, but in the end, I didn't want reminders of my past.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to our first performance of the evening: Breaking Dawn!"

The lights came on and the music played. I couldn't see much of the stage from where I was but the sounds were haunting and beautiful. Where I'd imagine an electric guitar and piano in discord, the musician's played with a delicate resonance that made the entire bar stop and listen. There were no words with the initial song, but that didn't make the music any less interesting.

They played the next few songs and I saw Alice eying the guitarist like he was prime rib and she hadn't eaten in a week. I had to admit that he was very handsome. If Alice didn't look like she was ready to pounce on him, I might have given it a thought. However, as Emmett had so eloquently put it: Bro's before hoes!

They completed their set and I noticed that their drummer was a female. She had her hair tucked back but when she stood, I was able to get a better look at her. I also wanted to see this piano player. He sounded amazing.

That is when I saw him.

The air left my lungs and I'm pretty sure I was going to fall over on the spot.

My mind worked furiously but was only able to come up with two solutions: This was a dream or the man before me was a hallucination brought about by the now lack of oxygen flowing to my brain.

I know I was standing there and gaping like a fish but I couldn't bring myself to look away. He grabbed the acoustic guitar, the other man pulled two stools up, and they both sat.

He looked over the crowd and passed by my face before his head swung back in my direction. I could see the confusion and something else flit across his expression before he leaned over to the other man and spoke a few words to him. He looked back up and stared right at me as he began singing.

The song was sad and I had to wonder about whom he had written the piece. His voice was beautiful. I never realized how much I missed it until I heard it again. He had always been good at singing but now he was just amazing.

I stood through the whole performance before having to run outside. I grabbed the closest person and begged a smoke off them. I lit it up and felt the smoke curl into my lungs.

"Bella! What the hell?" Alice came up next to me and practically tackled me into the wall.

I took another long drag off my cigarette before looking down into her face. She must have realized that something happened because I could see the gears clicking together in her head.

"Is that… No Bella it can't be! You said he was gone!" Alice began to sputter.

I nodded my head in acquiesce. "That was him." I said in a small voice.

"Well why aren't you in there talking to him? You haven't seen him in ten years! My God, he looks amazing! I thought you were joking when you used to talk about him, but now I realize that you weren't kidding. I can't believe how much she looks like him." Alice marveled before she looked at my hand, as if she just realized that I was smoking. "I thought you quit?"

I let out a humorless chuckle. "Yeah I did, but damn-it I just needed one. I can't believe you want me to go talk to him." I never let the thought settle that he could be Nessie's father but looking at him had only compounded my problems. Alice had noticed the resemblance as well. This was not good.

"Well why not? It's been ages, who's to say that he hates you for what happened? You didn't make the decision to leave. If you tell him what happened maybe-"

"Maybe what Alice? Maybe he'll look at me and want to talk to me? Better yet, maybe I can just be like, 'Hey remember me, want a tumble in the sheets just for old times sake?' yeah that would go off like a charm I'm sure!" I was now trying to find another smoker with no luck. My lungs be damned I needed hard alcohol. "C'mon I need a drink."

"Bella, why do you think he hates you?" Alice pleaded as I ordered three shots of tequila.

"Did you see the way he looked, Alice? I know that I'd hate me for doing such a rotten thing. That man on stage wasn't the same boy I knew ten years ago. He has grown up and made a life for himself. What am I going to do just go up and say, 'Hi Edward! I know you probably don't remember me but I never forgot you.'"

Suddenly the smooth voice that was on stage was behind me. "I don't know that I could ever forget you, Isabella."

* * *

_**Thank you's to everyone who has read and special thanks to those who have taken time to review. I appreciate the comments!**_

.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Thanks to those of you who have read and reviewed. I really appreciate it. Here's the next chapter. Unbeta'd so my apologies for the mistakes. Hope you like the meeting!_**

**_I don't have a Beta currently so if anyone is interested send me a PM or let me know via review. Thanks!_**

**_Check out my profile for all the music, and character appearances.  
_**

**_Playlist:_**

_**Evanescence **- Hello_

_**The Killers** - All these things I have done_

* * *

**_Chapter 3_**

* * *

_What am I going to do just go up and say, 'Hi Edward, I know you probably don't remember me but I never forgot you.'"_

_Suddenly the smooth voice that was on stage was behind me. "I don't know that I could ever forget you, Isabella."_

I know that I stopped breathing for a few seconds. It could possibly have been a minute. I know that spots began to dance in my vision and I had to remind myself to inhale. I almost coughed but managed to stifle it. I noticed Alice's eyes bouncing from me to the man before me waiting for something to happen. I just hadn't been able to decide an outcome yet.

"Bella," His voice questioned. For that moment, he almost sounded like the unsure boy I remembered.

I grabbed the last shot off the bar and sucked it back before turning to meet the green gaze of a man who was somehow still in my thoughts after all this time. My eyes greedily took in the sight before me. His black tee shirt and torn jeans only served to accentuate the look. He hadn't shaved recently, and the scruffy look was definitely working for him. I finally met his eyes, unsure of what they would hold, but he had his emotions guarded behind a blank gaze. His hand reached automatically and tugged through his bronze locks. I wondered if they felt the same as they did ten years ago.

"Edward," I breathed, and damn if I didn't make his name slide like a well-aged whiskey off my tongue. I wanted to smack myself.

We stood for a moment. The noise of the bar had faded away, leaving the two of us in our own world. I had no clue where to start, or even what to say. Try as I may, I was unable to decipher his enigmatic expression.

"Hi! I'm Alice!" My best friend and lifesaver jumped in.

He turned his head slightly to acknowledge her. "Hello Alice."

"I'm Jasper." The man who I was oblivious until this point said and reached his hand forward to shake with Alice's and mine.

I wanted to laugh, yell, or do something to break the tension that had built between us. Thankfully, our friends saved me from making an ass of myself anymore then I already had.

"Let's get a table over here. We can do an official meet and greet." Alice said speaking mostly to Jasper.

"Absolutely, but let me get you ladies a drink first." I had finally acknowledged Jasper and realized the slight southern twang to his voice.

This was also the first time I realized that Edward's attention had not strayed from me either. It was as if we were in our own little world. That was until Alice pulled on my arm and away from the encompassing looks that he and I were throwing at each other. I always manage to forget how strong my petite friend is. She said something about getting a table and Jasper agreed to meet us over there, but my mind was somewhat mushy at this point.

"Bella!" She slapped me lightly on the side of the head. "Snap out of it. The only thing that's saving your ass from looking like a love-struck fool is that he was staring at you the same way!" She fussed some with her dress and pushed my hair around my shoulders a little. "Now would you take a deep breath and try not to look like you want to eat him for dinner! I know that you need to get laid, but what about the tirades I just sat through?"

My brain finally decided to find the medium of speech and use it. "I don't know Alice! I just saw him and I feel like I was thrown back in time. I mean he was a wonderful person then, but what if he's an asshole now?"

She giggled a bit before her look softened and glanced at the bar. I looked up to see Edward and Jasper making their way through the crowd to us. I was only feeling a little bit of a buzz and regretted not having more to drink earlier.

"Bella, this is the perfect time to find out. Let's just talk and have a few drinks, and maybe if things go well you can do a personal interview for the up and coming band." She arched an eyebrow in my direction.

Before I could reply, I had a tall glass set on the table by my hand. Edward took the stool by me. I noticed he and Jasper had a quick non-verbal conversation before Alice began babbling about their band and music in general.

I was able to relax a little as she and Jasper started talking back and forth. Occasionally they would ask Edward or me to supply answers but neither of us had readily volunteered information. I stared at my drink and across the table at Jasper and Alice most of the time.

"So Bella, what do you do with yourself?" Jasper asked congenially.

"Oh, I just write articles for a magazine." I managed to say without stuttering.

"Bella!" Alice chided. "You act like you don't do anything important." Her little pixie face turned up and she looked to both of the guys. "Have you ever heard of Izzy Marie?"

By the looks that both fixed me with, I could tell they had. I'm not sure it was a good idea to have my pen name ousted to musicians, but I guess it's too late now. There was a reason I don't use my real name in writing. It keeps people from bothering me or trying to plea for a good review. It's amazing how much weight my word holds for up and coming bands.

"Well holy shit!" Jasper let out.

"Yeah," Edward's voice spoke, his face lined with surprise and something else I couldn't decipher. "Holy shit is right."

I felt my blush flushing through my face and knew that it was now spreading down my chest. Stupid blush. I'm a grown woman and here I am blushing like a freaking teenager.

"It's really not that big of a deal." I said trying to downplay my role as quickly as possible. I went to take another drink and realized that mine was empty. "Um, drinks anyone?"

I pushed out my chair and stood, intent on going to the bar. I didn't even look at the others as I bolted toward the bar. I made orders for drinks and hoped that the guys would be happy with beers because I honestly had no idea what they were drinking.

"Do you need a hand carrying the drinks back?" Edward asked from behind me.

I could almost feel his body heat against my back and had gripped the bar slightly tighter to keep myself from pressing into him. There was so much I wanted to say and do to this man, but there was also too much in the way.

"Talk to me, Isabella." He said lightly right by my ear. "I think you owe me that much."

I could almost feel his breath in my hair. Was Alice telling the truth when she told me that he was looking at me the same way? I wanted to hit myself repeatedly. I never really hesitated with a guy I liked. We progressed and then we fell apart. That was my way.

There was also the little matter of the girl at home who had a striking resemblance to the man currently putting his hands on my hips and spinning me around to face him. Oh, OH!

"Do you want me to leave you alone, Bella?" His use of my favored name took me off guard and I realized that I had not really spoken to him all night.

I glanced up at him and gave him the most honest answer I could. "I don't know. No. Maybe. Can I have a pass on that question for this second?" I was so confused and flustered that my words were tangling on my tongue.

He smiled, that sexy crooked grin that I used to love so much. I saw the light of it reach his eyes. I forgot how beautiful he really was. My breath caught in my throat.

"I knew you had to be in there somewhere." He murmured as he pulled me into a hug.

It wasn't until then that I caught a little of my old self, shining through. It felt good. Almost as good as the arms of the man now wrapped around me, but not quite. My arms wrapped around him before I could think to give them permission. Confusion welled up in me but I just wanted to hold on to this moment before he hated me. I needed something good to remember before I messed this up.

"I'm sorry," I apologized. I'm not sure what I was apologizing for; my actions tonight, my actions ten years ago, or the pain that I could bring him in the future, maybe all of it.

I squeezed him back and took stock in how tall he was now. When we were younger, he was only a few inches taller then me. Now my head barely came up to his chin.

"I'd like to talk to you if you are still willing." I offered.

"That sounds like a good idea." He agreed.

We carried the drinks back to the table and finished them while speaking to Jasper and Alice. Some of the tension had drained from me and it seemed as if Edward was more talkative as well. We stayed with them for a little longer before I pulled Alice to the side.

"I need to ask a big favor, Alice." I pleaded with my eyes.

"I'll go watch Nessie, Bella. Go talk to him." She responded almost before I had finished my sentence. Sometimes I swore she was psychic. "There is a lot you two have to catch up on!" The knowing twinkle in her eyes just served to make me stutter, but she put her finger to my lips. "Go, talk to him, and for God sakes, Bella, and don't try to ruin it."

Before I could respond she walked over to where it seemed Jasper and Edward were having a heated debate. That was when I noticed Jasper's eyes lighting up upon the appearance of my small friend. I had been so embroiled in my own drama all night that I hadn't noticed the exchanges between Edward's friends and mine. It appeared that there was something going on that had completely escaped my attention.

Edward walked over to me with a small smirk on his face as he turned around to see Jasper and Alice talking animatedly. He approached me, I noticed the trepidation in his stride, and way his face seemed to close off slightly before he reached me. A small smile graced his lips.

"There's an all-night diner around the corner if you want to go there?"

My head nodded before my words were out. "Yeah, that sounds great!"

He began to walk and I saw his hand reach toward me before pulling back and clenching into a fist. My heart fell slightly. I had no idea what he wanted to talk about, and the thought worried me. Tonight had been nothing but a rollercoaster of feelings and emotions. He had seemed so standoffish but then hugged me so tightly. Now we seemed to be back to the beginning. Maybe all he really wanted to have was some closure in what happened between us.

If I was honest with myself, I could admit that I wasn't sure I wanted closure. I wanted to know this person next to me. He radiated a confidence that my shy friend never had. I wondered how much of the Edward that I used to care deeply for was buried in this man next to me. My heart was slightly sick at the thought that he seemed so different.

The walk to the diner was in silence. It was only two blocks over and I just busied myself in my own head, trying to sort out what to say to him. Honesty seemed to be the best way to go, especially since I couldn't lie for shit. Then I needed to put a filter on my honesty. I don't want to wreck his life, and become a burden for him to bear again.

Any situations involving Nessie were automatically important to me. I couldn't up-heave her life. Yes, she did have some resemblance to Edward, but I didn't want to talk about that. I would have to avoid bringing her up. Admit that I have a daughter only if questioned but stop there. It wouldn't be fair to him.

When the hostess seated us at the table, we stared at each other uncomfortably.

"So-" we both started at the same time before cracking into grins. I shook my head as he looked at the table for a moment.

"Ladies first," he said softly. His hand rubbed the back of his neck in a gesture I remember well from when he was nervous.

I shook my head for a second with a smile on my face. "Where do you want me to begin?" I asked.

"How about why and what happened when you left?" His voice sounded almost desperate.

Taking a deep breath, I gathered my courage and began to tell him the story of when I got home after that night. "I didn't have time to even call you before we left." I pleaded with my eyes. "And then when I got to Arizona, I couldn't use the phone because my mom wanted to discipline me for my behavior." I snorted. "Guess she figured out that she wanted to be a mother just in time for me to be all grown up.

"I wanted to bad to go back to Forks and live with you and your family. I wished for a long time that I could just call you and move back there."

"So why didn't you?" Edward asked, breaking my rant.

I couldn't tell him the whole truth; that I had gotten knocked up and couldn't bear the thought of him hating me for my stupidity and horrible ways. Therefore, I settled on another truth. "I couldn't take the rejection if your family couldn't take me." I paused before adding, "I also didn't want to lose my mom."

Our food came out and I picked at my salad as he took a few bites out of his burger. We munched quietly while mulling over our thoughts.

"What happened with you?" I blurted out. Then in my attempt to cover, the word vomit spewed. "I mean look at you, you're all grown up and I'm sure you have a fiancee if you haven't gotten yourself hitched already. I mean that blond you were with earlier that plays the drums was beautiful and really talented. You can't tell me that you two are completely platonic."

His eyebrows rose in surprise and my mouth continued to spew despite my brains desperate attempts to hit the stop button. "I mean you were always cute, but God you grew up great, and now your singing in that really talented band, and oh man, I am such a fucking ass. I need to seriously shut the hell up now."

I looked down feeling my face flaming like it caught on fire. A bark of laughter made me look up to see Edward's eyes dancing as he looked directly at me. I couldn't break the connection. The mirth in his eyes was catching and soon I was laughing along with him. After a few moments, we were able to compose ourselves and the few other patrons at the diner had returned to their own business.

"I missed you, Isabella." He said in a voice edged with longing and desire.

I looked away. I couldn't do this, not yet. In addition, he had yet to tell me anything about himself. I knew nothing about the man he had become. Was he still the same guy who delved into chemistry experiments and couldn't cook to save his life? Was this the same boy that destroyed his clothes by washing his red and blue tee shirts together, and made me keep the purple colored mishaps so that his parents wouldn't find them?

I really wanted to know him now. I took a deep breath and requested, "Tell me about you and your life, Edward."

"I've been doing okay I guess. I work for a pharmaceutical company on new medicines for nerve regeneration. My parents still live in Forks, and my father is now the Chief of Staff at the hospital. My mom's design firm is going well. She now employs a few of our old friends. The company is small but she still does excellent work. We get together and have dinner usually once a month.

"The drummer is Rosalie, and no we are not and never were a couple. She is too facetious for me." He let out a little chuckle as if it was a private joke. Pinching the bridge of his nose momentarily, he let his gaze wander to the table where he was drawing absent patterns in the water left by the condensation of his glass.

It didn't escape my attention that he had avoided mentioning the fiancée or any other serious relationships. I decided that he was keeping his secrets, and I could keep mine. It wasn't fair of me to ask him to talk to me after I had left.

"I really wanted to talk to you for so long." I murmured.

He looked at me, his eyes hard. "Then why didn't you call?"

"I tried so many times, but I was so afraid that the one person I always saw as a friend would hate me. I guess I preferred to think of the happy times and not give into the fear of rejection." I had been staring at the remains of the salad in front of me as if it would give me answers. It wouldn't so I moved my eyes to meet his.

"My grandfather told me to call you or email you so many times. I just couldn't let go of my fears. I remember picking up the phone and imagining the things, we would say to each other, but then the nightmares of what you could say to me always overrode the happy thoughts. In the end I guess I decided that you were better off without me."

During my confession, his eyes shifted through several different emotions. Then his face fell blank and he looked down again before starting his rebuttal.

"I was really angry at you for a long time. My parents had heard from your mother briefly but only to convey her thanks for being good neighbors and that you both were moving away. No one knew where you went or what happened.

"The school was rampant with rumors of course." He looked back up to me and I could see the pain clearly in his eyes. "The things they were saying about you were horrible. Even my own friends were regaling tales they had heard about your abrupt departure. It hurt, and the fact that you never even bothered to tell me you were leaving made me mad for a long time."

"I'm sorry," I whispered and captured his hand across the table. His fingers twined with mine as he started to speak again. The same buzz that filled me years ago when he touched me was still there alighting my skin, but now the intensity seemed to grow ten fold.

"I was angry when I saw you again tonight. I wanted to hurt you, but damn Bella; I just couldn't bring myself to. You're still so fucking beautiful." He looked startled at his last sentence. His fingers left mine and went back to massaging the bridge of his nose once more.

The words hung in the air between us. I was afraid to talk or move, hell even breathe. He shifted uncomfortably. I knew he never meant to say that aloud. The tension shifted and I felt a spark of desire in our locked gazes. We didn't say anything else. The server dropped off the check and we fought over paying it and settled on halving it. Walking outside I took a deep breath and looked at him again. His eyes clouded over with some emotion that looked vaguely like he was having lusty thoughts.

I swallowed hard, "I think I need to get home."

"I'll drive you," he offered immediately. Then he looked almost unsure, "that is if you need me to. I have no idea how you got here." He ran a hand nervously through his hair and shot me his crooked grin.

"I don't - no - don't go out of your way." I managed to stammer out. "I - I practically live across town. I'll catch a cab, it'll be fine."

I really wanted to smack myself or just run away, but between the death traps that I was barely walking in and the fact that my head already hurt neither seemed like a smart move.

"Bella," Edward sounded a little exasperated. "Its fine I don't mind. Besides, trying to catch a cab now is going to be difficult."

I glanced at my cell phone and realized that it was almost one in the morning. "Oh shit!" I bemoaned. I had no idea it had gotten so late.

"I'm guessing that you didn't realize how late it is." Looking at him, I was instantly aware of the smarmy smirk firmly in place on his face.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to smack it or kiss it off. No, no, bad thoughts. No more thoughts like those.

He took my hand and walked me back to his car that he'd parked at the bar. The sparks ignited in our touch once again. I was surprised to see a silver Volvo as his choice of rides. I had to mention it because I'm a jackass like that.

"Somehow this is not the car that your image screams." I taunted.

He frowned for a moment before a mischievous twinkle lit his eyes. "Well wouldn't you like to know what else is in my garage?"

He opened the door for me and it threw me off. I hadn't been catered to in… well ever.

I sat in the car and gave him directions to the complex. We talked lightly about work and he was anxious to know how I got involved in the magazine. He never asked about what I thought of the performance or what I wanted to write about his band. I was oddly thankful.

We pulled up to the building and he let out a little laugh. Before I could question him where he lived, he answered.

"I just thought it's funny that I have been living two miles from you for over three years and had no clue." He shook his head and looked back up at my face.

I wanted to kiss him. I knew there were a hundred reasons for me not to. I wanted to see him again, but wasn't sure if it was my place to ask. I had wronged this man in so many ways I lost count. It wasn't fair for me to destroy his life anymore, but maybe I could do him one good thing. I took a deep breath and faced forward out the front windshield. I knew if I looked at him, I'd never be able to get through this little speech.

"I know that you probably still are angry with me for stuff and I totally understand it. I just want you to know that I have a lot of good things to say about your band, and I'm hoping they will let me do an interview with you guys." I handed him my business card. "Call me this week and I'll see about helping you promote. That is, if you want me to." I managed not to stutter.

His fingertips gently touched my chin to turn my face to him. The spark from his touch danced across my skin.

"What if I just want to call you, Isabella?" He asked staring right at me.

"I don't know if that's a good idea, Edward," I almost whispered.

His hands were now stroking my chin, and pushing my hair away from my face. I felt him almost guiding me toward him. I blinked and then realized how close our faces had gotten. I pulled away and offered him a small smile.

"I'm not good for you, Edward." I sighed.

"I think that's my choice to make, Bella." He looked resigned.

"There is a lot that has changed about me, and I'm not sure if I can do or be what you need," I tried again.

"Then let's find out." He prompted. "I think you owe me the chance." He repeated his earlier words, but softened them with a slight smile.

He had played the guilt card and it worked like a charm. My defenses were only so strong. I gave a small nod. "Yeah, yeah I do."

I touched his hand once more, opened the door and got out.

"Goodnight Isabella," he called from the window.

I pulled out my keys. "Goodnight, Edward."

I looked up to see two heads peeking through the curtains of the apartment and knew that I would be in for a grilling. I only hoped that I would survive my second inquisition of the night. I heard his car pull away as I closed the door to the foyer and made my way upstairs.

The apartment door opened even before I had gotten there and I found a bouncing Alice and a giddy Emmett just on the other side of the threshold. They grilled me on everything from what happened to the history we shared. I know I was a little short-tempered with them, but I was tired and I wasn't ready to divulge everything just yet. I had a lot to think on before my next run in with Edward Cullen.

Alice asked me one question as she left for the night that practically sent my mind turning in circles. "Why would he have gone out of his way to spend three hours talking to you and then drive you home if he still hated you, Bella?"

That was the question...Why indeed?

* * *

_**Hope you guys are like reading this story as much much as I like writing it! **_

.


	4. Chapter 4

_I was kicking around the idea of doing this all in BPOV, but I really wanted to have EPOV at some points too. So this is Edward's take on the meeting and what happened in their lives before the separation. Again I suck, I don't have a beta, looking for a volunteer (hint hint). _

_I know that these guys are somewhat OOC, but I always try to keep them on the line. Hope it's working!  
_

_Let me know what you think and if you want me to keep including hottie Edward's POV._

_Special thanks are listed at the bottom!_

_Links to the musicians and songs are on my profile.  
_

**_Playlist:_**

_**Breaking Benjamin** - Breathe_

_**Linkin Park **- Shadow of the Day_

_**Matchbox 20** - Push (Acoustical)_

_

* * *

_

**_Chapter 4_**

* * *

I stared at her as she walked into the entrance to her apartment. I still couldn't believe that the siren of both my dreams and nightmares only lived a few scant miles from me. To make it all worse, she had been doing so for nearly three years.

Emotions that I had bottled up for years wanted to explode tonight. Somehow, I managed not to completely freak out, although if it weren't for Jazz I probably would've had a meltdown tonight at the feelings that barraged me. Sometimes I have to wonder how he is so calm and rational about things. It just seems to be his nature though.

I drove home and walked into my house. I tossed my keys into the bowl by the door and my coat hung in the closet. Next, I went to the bathroom and took out my contacts. The smoky haze from the bar had made my eyes feel slightly muddy. It was a relief to wash my face and put my glasses on. I put everything away as I finished. I refused to live like the bachelor I am. It probably stems from my control-freak tendencies, but I don't really care. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and fell back on the sofa to stare out the window as my mind visited the past.

I honestly thought that I was seeing things when I first saw her in the bar. I had to do a double take and still I was sure that I might be loosing what was left of my sanity. After all these years, Isabella Swan just happened to show up in a bar that my band was playing at. I played through the first set and never even knew she was in the club. It wasn't until Jazz and I did our acoustical version that I scanned the crowd.

A flare of anger shot through me when I realized that I wasn't seeing things. Somehow, I wanted to tell her that she had left behind pieces when she left but I was better now, and she wouldn't be able to hurt me again. One of the songs that she inspired seemed to be the best choice. Jazz agreed to let me change our songs at the last minute when I promised I'd tell him later.

I'm sure my eyes never left hers as I sang. I felt the tune come out and my mind flashed into the past.

I'm not sure when I fell in love with Bella Swan, but by the time I was fourteen I knew I was. I watched her for years as we grew up together. She had been my best friend and confidant for so long that I couldn't imagine a world without her. At the time I didn't realize that she let me call her Isabella most of her life when she had corrected almost everyone else. Maybe it was because when we were ten she asked me why I did it and I told her that her name was pretty just like her. Childish but true, even after all these years she still is Isabella to me.

We were each other's support. Renee was always a little too scattered. It seemed as if Bella acted more as the mother and Renee as the daughter. Renee and my parents both allowed us to share beds for most of our lives. When we turned into teenagers things took on a slightly different dynamic and our parents became slightly more stringent about what we were doing.

It had been the dreaded year of puberty first hitting me. I was scared to death when I awoke with my dick throbbing for the first time. Somehow Bella never got mad at me the first time that we woke up and my out of control erection was tenting the covers. It had been a joke the first time I had accidentally poked her in the ass in my sleep. I had been too embarrassed to share the wet dreams I had about her though. I was too scared of being thought of as a complete pervert.

That was also the summer when I first noticed Bella's breasts developing. We had run down to the river to swim and like always I just pulled off my shirt and jumped in. When Bella pulled off her shirt I saw her wearing a bra. She had blushed heavily and threw her shirt back on and ran away. I caught up to her and tackled her. She screamed at me for being rude, and I apologized.

I tried not to mention her body getting prettier as time passed. I knew other guys didn't really notice because of her baggy clothes. Many of my shirts had become hers just so she could hide her development. I was the only one who really saw her in tighter clothes, she only wore them to sleep and occasionally around the house. She had matured beautifully and I wanted nothing more then to find out what her mouth and skin tasted like. It had been in my dreams for a long time.

I'll always regret leaving that summer. That summer it all changed, the summer she changed.

I had gone to summer camp at my parent's insistence between my sophomore and junior years. I had just turned sixteen and was supposed to help be a counselor but I felt more like a flunky for the kids that were older and more experienced then I was. I had been going to the camp on and off for years, but I had only been to the two week programs. This one was a full forty days. The only reason I agreed was so that I could have something extra to put on my college transcript.

When it was finally time to go home I couldn't wait to get there and spend the last of my summer with Bella. Then I came home to a different person. She was hanging out with a new group of people and seemed to be getting drunk and possibly high all the time.

My group of friends made it quite clear that Bella was no longer welcome in our circle. I didn't know what to say or what happened to make them say that. I needed answers from Bella.

I slipped over to her house three nights after I had gotten home, when I saw her light on. She was alone and lying on her bed. She was listening to her music with her eyes closed. She was wearing an old pair of shorts and a tank top that I could have swore fit her loosely last summer. Now her chest seemed to be straining in it. Her body had become thinner and curvier at the same time while I was gone. I climbed into her window, thanking her mother for giving her the downstairs bedroom yet again. It wasn't the first time I had come in this way.

When I was standing over her, she opened her eyes and looked at me. What I saw there scared me. She looked blank and emotionless. In all of the years I had known her, Bella was always full of emotions, and I could always read them through her beautiful brown eyes.

"Edward," she let my name slide from her mouth.

She didn't look happy or distressed at my appearance. The light in her eyes and smile that I usually received left me bereft of a joy I had of seeing her again.

"You didn't come over when I came back." I suddenly had no idea what to say. I absently scratched the back of my neck.

How in less then two months can we go from being entwined and sharing everything to not being able to form a coherent sentence? The person sitting in front of me felt like a stranger. What happened to my Isabella?

The flat look in her eyes flickered slightly. "I'm sorry; I guess I've just been busy."

"Too busy for your best friend," I heard the anger color my voice.

It was harsher then I wanted to sound, but I couldn't control some of the hurt that was seeping through. In the past, I had always had Bella's friendship. She was the perky and joyous person and I was the nerd. No one ever really looked at me in a boyfriend manner, and I felt slightly stunted compared to other guys my age. That was never true with Bella; she never made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her. She was the one to tell me that the girls in Forks were stupid and blind. It was an acceptance and friendship between us that had blossomed into love on my part.

"What happened while I was gone, Bella," I whispered.

The look in her eyes seemed to change slightly.

"You left me." Bella's whispered answer hit me hard.

The rest of the night, she and I sat and talked. She told me that Renee had been especially out of it this summer with her new boyfriend and left Bella to fend for herself. Unfortunately, my parents had been away for most of the month on vacation as well, so she wasn't able to retreat to my home either. I was saddened by the pain that radiated off of her.

I tried to lighten the mood by telling her how horrible of a time I had. My stories about camp made her laugh and unhappy all at the same time. She promised to beat those guys up if she ever saw them. This only made me laugh at the thought.

We talked about everything and nothing. She avoided any direct questions to her newfound activities, and refused to meet my eyes when I asked her if she was okay.

The sky gradually became lighter as we both laid side by side on her bed talking and just listening to the music she had playing. Eventually I knew that I had to get home. My parents probably wouldn't be too mad when I told them where I was, but at the same time, it was better if I didn't have to explain.

There was still a slight strain in our relationship that I couldn't put my finger on, but I was happy to have her talking to me again. It wasn't until a few days later when I was at the diner with my mother that the truth became more evident.

I had excused myself to go to the bathroom when I passed by Lauren and Jessica who were talking about Bella. Rage boiled up in me at their remarks, but then I paid attention to what they were saying.

"Well she is just working her way around isn't she?" Lauren asked.

"Mike said that he and two of the football team guys had her the one night." Jessica giggled. "I can't imagine them wanting to get off with her, and Mike said that I was so much better. So I'm totally not worried."

"Seriously, that girl has become such a slut. I wonder if she's spread them for the geek squad that she was hanging with." Lauren sneered.

"No from what I hear most of them don't want anything to do with her. Well with the exception of Edward." Jessica snorted. "She's been fucking everything with a dick so she's bound to get to him sometime soon. Fork's only has so many guys, and I heard that she was working her way around the Reservation too."

My breath caught and I rushed to the bathroom and locked the stall. The bile came out almost before I had a chance to lean over the toilet. I knew I saw Bella leaving with different guys all the time, but she said she was just hanging out with some new friends she made while I was gone.

The next few months were painful. Bella and I continued to speak and hang out when she wasn't busy, but the dynamics seemed slightly off. She never mentioned what was going on and I didn't have the guts to ask. All I knew was that I was still in love with her, and no matter what happened in her life, I would be there for her.

The low self-image she had was always a point of discord between us, and I couldn't help but wonder if that had part of this morph in character. Maybe I had never been clear enough with how much I thought of her, and how beautiful I thought she was. It was all for naught now.

The first few months of school after summer break were a disaster to say the least. I found her wrapped around different guys all the time, and the rumors were enough to make me blush by association alone. Still we had time together. It was those moments that she was more like herself then she was anytime in the dreary halls of that school building.

We had hit a status-quo in our relationship. I was still there for her, and on occasion, she would be there for me. I was so foolishly innocent that I didn't even know what to imagine her doing with those guys. I had seen many late night movies, most I had watched with her, but I wasn't sure what to make of her new ways.

It was the October of our senior year and Forks was having a heat wave. It was a rare but enjoyable turn of events. The news had predicted a meteor shower on a Saturday night and I really wanted to watch it. When I mentioned it to Bella, she had made comments about it probably raining and obscuring the heavenly vision. Then she surprised me by saying that she had nothing to do and would watch it with me if the skies were clear enough. She knew I loved astronomy and watching the stars. As children, we had lain in the backyards of our homes, watched the stars for hours, and just talked.

My mom and dad were accepting of Bella, and even though they had surely heard all of the rumors about her, never denied her visits. When I asked them if they cared about me hanging out with her they had simply said that she needed a real friend, and they had seen how she did really care for me. They trusted me to make mature decisions, but let me know that if it was too much they would be there to help me.

That night was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. I remembered it being rainy all day and I had been depressed because it would take away the stars that night and cut into the time I wanted to spend with Bella. That was until Bella called me and told me to look out the window. I wasn't sure why she would want that, but like a pawn, I went to the window and saw the clouds breaking allowing the blue to dominate the sky. She said she would see me at seven and I couldn't contain the smile that spread across my face.

My mother made us some sandwiches, cookies and tossed in few cans of soda into an old fabric cooler. She said that the roof right outside my window would be a great place to watch the stars. I was excited. It would be like the picnics that Bella and I had when we were younger, just two stories off the ground.

When she got there, I drug her upstairs and into my room. I had set the cooler by the window earlier. I opened the window and crawled out offering my hand to help her. Bella was still able to trip over air. No matter what changed about her, that particular flaw was always one of my favorite because I got to pretend for a few moments that she might need me, even if it was just to rescue her from her own feet.

We munched on the food my mother packed me and talked as I pointed out constellations. My tee shirt was sticking to the roofing a little and I wondered if I should have offered Bella a towel or a blanket to lay on. I chided myself for being inconsiderate.

That was before she and I became tangled. I'm not sure how I wound up hovering overtop of her, but the vision had made me breathless. Her hair fanned behind her over the roof like a dark halo, and her eyes were glinting like melted chocolate that reflected the stars. She looked beautiful. The old tank top and jean shorts were a mark of her comfort with me. She never did anything excessive with me, but that also meant that she hid a lot less from me then everyone else.

When her lips had touched mine that night I thought I would go up in a cloud of smoke. I was nervous and trying not to let it show. I'd never even kissed a girl before, but it didn't seem to matter. She seemed to have enough skill for the both of us. Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to care how she acquired it at that point. The only thing that mattered was her lips on mine. I suddenly felt the years of longing crash into me as I took her lips repeatedly with my own.

Things progressed quickly and the next thing I knew she was naked and undressing me. I almost panicked but she calmed me down. She told me she wanted me and let me take my time and explore her. I almost came in her hand when she grabbed me to line me up to her. Then I was in her. It had been the best feeling I'd ever imagined. I didn't last long and felt pathetic after I had time to think about it. She hadn't even come.

I had murmured my confession of love into her skin as I held her close and half-hoped she hadn't heard it while half-hoping that she would return my awkward words. Her limbs just clung to me and pulled me tight. I enjoyed the sensation and tried to think that maybe she was choosing me after all this time.

I walked her home that night and tried to relay my feelings once again in a soft kiss. I didn't want to leave, but I knew that it was getting late and I would be sure to be over early in the morning to see her again. If I had known then that it would be the last time I'd see her for over ten years I'd have never let her go.

The next morning I found her house quiet and void of anyone. Her mother's car was gone, but so was Bella. I waited all day for them to return, and was surprised to see a moving company pull up around noon. My mother went over to talk to them and found out that it had been an abrupt move, but the movers knew nothing else.

My heart and life were broken apart. The girl I had fallen in love with was gone, and I didn't even know where. It didn't help when a week later Renee called and apologized to my parents for the abrupt departure, but said that she wanted Bella to have a fresh start and didn't want me to contact her.

School was a nightmare of rumors and I just wanted to curl into a ball and have it all disappear. I put more efforts into studying and working out in my spare time. Part of me was waiting for Bella to disobey her mother and call me. She had never been one to listen to Renee before, but oddly, she never called me.

Life moved on. I graduated valedictorian and went to Harvard where I majored in chemistry and pharmacology. It was a choice that made my parents proud, and I enjoyed the intrinsic thrill of chemistry experiments. I found I enjoyed immensely.

I'd had a few relationships but nothing of merit. Mostly one night stands to fill the itch. Somehow, they never compared to a pretty brunette lying on a rooftop clutching at me and holding me tight. I finished college and moved back with my parents while lining up jobs. I had happened upon a company in Seattle that was hiring and my father had a friend there who raved about how good the place was to work. I decided that it would be a good place for me after the interview and tour.

About the time that I moved into my new house, I had met Jasper and his sister Rosalie Hale. Initially she and I had been set up on a date by a co-worker. When we met, it was an odd feeling. I hadn't wanted to be there, and neither had she. We were both doing this for the co-worker to leave us alone after months of hounding.

We found no desire between each other romantically or sexually, but had found a connection through music. Rose and her brother, Jasper, had a band and needed another musician. They had just lost a band member due to an out-of-state move. She invited me over to meet her brother Jasper and we could talk about the possibility of performing together. I was desperate for a hobby, and missed playing both my piano and guitar.

Jasper and I became quick friends and it had been a match between the three of us. Rose could play the drums like Daniel Adair and Gregg Bissonette combined. Jasper was both great with his guitar and vocals. They had wanted a different sound so when I had told them that I did both the piano and guitar they were excited.

As much as I loved my job, I loved music just a little bit more. I found myself writing song lyrics during the day and playing tunes by night. Music was the release I was looking for.

Then to find out that Bella was Izzy Marie of all people. Jazz was all about her columns and appreciated her honest and no-nonsense appraisal of bands. The articles were written by someone educated and who obviously enjoyed various music.

The meeting was all a fluke of fate. We had only received the call to play a few days before because one of the other bands had backed out. I had a rough week at work and the last minute scheduling made me antsy. I liked to have time to prepare, but Jasper practically begged and I couldn't deny him. He was working full time but his job was making just enough and these venues were what helped him out affording any extras or having money to put away.

My thoughts spiraled back to our meeting and conversation tonight. I didn't know what to think. She said she was no good for me. Was she still thinking the same maudlin thoughts that had pushed her down all those years ago? I was intrigued by who she was now, her obvious beauty aside, I'd read her work and knew that she was still very smart. My mind warred with my heart in a pathetic battle. I knew it was over when I felt the frisson of her touch.

Jasper had known some of the back-story with Bella, and had told me to go ahead and talk to her. I didn't want to at first. It was awkward and childish but I wanted to ignore her as she had me for all of these years. I was thankful that Rosalie had to depart early, leaving Jasper and I alone to finish the set with a few acoustical pieces. She would have been a little too much fuel to add to the fire that was brimming.

Once again, Bella shocked me by accepting my invitation to talk. I figured she would decline, but I had to know what happened. Did she know she was leaving? Was that night just a parting gift? Then a part of me that was still distressed by the encounter wanted to know if I had anything to do with it. My ego could still be fragile, but back then it had been a hundred times worse. The thoughts of being better for her had haunted me for a long time. She hadn't been satisfied with me and that was the reason she left without another word.

The discussion at the diner made me realize that her insecurities had yet again prevented her from connecting with anything good. It seemed as if her friend Alice had helped her tremendously. I knew she was hiding something, but I had held back on several counts as well. I could tell in the way she had edited some of her words. It was another problem. Would we ever be truthful to each other?

Part of me wanted to forget ever seeing her, but a larger more aggressive part refused to let that feeling dominate. That part wanted to see if Bella would fit back into my life. My heart had broken so hard when she left, but somehow in the course of our talk I began to feel like hers had as well.

I moved to the bedroom and got undressed. I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling for a long time. My memories skipping to all of the times we had together when we were younger. Some of those hurt and some were happy.

Then I remembered her in the club tonight as I stole up behind her. She was ranting to Alice about me, and it surprised me she even realized who I was. I knew I had changed quite a bit since I was younger, but maybe not enough to be unrecognizable. Her hair still smelled sweet like strawberries and I noticed a freesia scent coming off her skin. The heels she was wearing and the short dress made her legs look a mile long. A very male part of me wanted to bend her over the bar stool she sat at and show her all of the things I learned while she was away. I wondered if she still tasted the same. I had been close enough on several occasions to find out, but I couldn't let myself crack, only to find that she had no desire to see me again after tonight.

My male side couldn't help but admire the way that she handled the shots of vodka. I'm not sure if she is a heavy drinker, but her ability to swallow like that had my mind thinking about other things. Her lips wrapped around me and if she would swallow me down as well. The vision of her throat had erotic fantasies plaguing my mind.

Between my aching heart and my now aching groin, I decided I'd had enough over thinking for one night. My hand slid under my shorts to the obvious discomfort. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to fantasize about the night on my parent's rooftop. Only this time I had the control and was able to love her enough that she never left.

My dreams overtook me shortly after.

* * *

_**Special thanks to:**_

_**Darcy13 - I really appreciate all of the kind words!**_

_**Twiobsession14 - Thank You!**_

_**Cheermom13 - Hope you like what's instore!**_

_**Cinnyshy - I hope you like the twists and the humanizations I tried to make to the characters.**_

_**Thanks to all those who have read and those who have taken the time to review!**_

_**.  
**_


End file.
